Scientific Guide to Douche bags of the Road

[Stealth]

Scientific Guide to Douche bags of the Road

The Soccer Mom in the Oversized SUV (Lookatmenowus fatassius)

The weapon of choice for these rambunctious road hazards is usually a Hummer, Expedition, or Pathfinder. These past-their-prime attention whores can often be observed as they take up two parking spaces, double-park in front of a school, or blissfully scrape their two-ton death machines against unsuspecting parked cars, light poles, street signs, and miscellaneous roadside landmarks. Thankfully, their herds have been thinned out by ever-rising fuel prices. When confronted about her questionable driving and parking skills, this road delight often deflects the criticism, ignores you, denies her transgressions, or whips out her cell phone in an attempt to make you disappear. Beware the Asian and cell-phone dependent versions of this species, they are particularly oblivious drivers.

The Ricer (Insecureus tastelessius)

Truly the most colorful of the five categories of douche bags, they are often found in underpowered FWD imports, but they are occasionally seen in vehicles with legitimate performance credentials. The Ricer seeks attention by adorning his ride with eye-melting paint and graphic schemes, hilarious or boastful stickers, park-bench wings, "hella tite" sound systems, mismatched wheels and body panels, and obnoxiously loud exhaust set-ups. Ever the insecure type, the Ricer will race anyone or anything at a stop light (including people in minivans and people on mopeds). The Ricer often feels the need to prove his manhood by overtaking vehicles on the highway via dangerous speeds or with insanely stupid maneuvers, and then using his hazards to signify "victory." There is no accounting for taste or intelligence with this breed, and they often transcend racial or cultural stereotypes.

The Domestic Douche (Stolidus smallwangus)

A hairy-chested sight to behold, the Domestic Douche is no longer relegated to wearing gold chains and mullets, for they may now been seen with sideways baseball caps, super cool sunglasses, earrings, and popped collars. Usually found piloting Mustangs and Camaros, the Domestic Douche has spread his reach to other types of vehicles, including lifted pickup trucks. The Domestic Douche often refuses to recognize the performance capabilities of foreign vehicles, and views people who buy imports as "Un'uhmerican." Membership in the Domestic Douche club is not complete until one procures a RWD vehicle with an aggressive exhaust tone, and then proceeds to do a burnout on a public road. Slick roads, skyrocketing insurance premiums, and CAFE standards are the natural enemies of the Domestic Douche.

The Badge Whore Douche (Ispenttoomuchus fruitus)

The most pretentious of the douches, the Badge Whore Douche will not be seen in a vehicle of a lesser stature than BMW, Mercedes, Audi, Porsche, or Lexus. The alpha Badge Whore Douches drive Ferraris and Lamborghinis, and their level of douchiness is unsurpassed. Badge Whore Douches want everyone to know what type of car they drive or how much they spent on their car. They casually leave their keys strewn about with their oversized luxury key fobs on display, and skillfully find a way to work into almost any type of conversation what type of vehicle they own. Ironically, these creatures are sometimes not as wealthy as they would like everyone to believe, and they often lease cars habitually while ringing up massive credit card debt, draining the equity from their home, and working two jobs to make their car payments. Perhaps not so surprisingly, Badge Whore Douches are attracted to the cheapest version of the 3 series BMW. These Badge Whore Douches are extremely dangerous on the road in light of the their questionable driving skill and their false sense of entitlement.

The Smug Douche (Annoyingus hypocrita)

This douche can be either a man or a woman, but their valiant steed of choice is often some type of hybrid, electric, or natural gas vehicle. Allegedly, their sole purpose is to save the planet, and they are sure to remind you of this fact on a daily basis. Most Smug Douches spend their days meandering about in car pool lanes or the number one lane on the freeway, and they relish the opportunity to keep other vehicles from traveling above the speed limit or passing them. When spooked, they often speed up to block your pass, tailgate you so closely that they could lick your bumper, or scuttle off like co*kroaches into other lanes. There is a particularly fanatical sub-species of this douche known as the "Hyper-Miler," but their numbers are rather low. There has been some observed cross-breeding between the Badge Whore Douche and the Smug Douche, but more data needs to be collected before full-understanding of the phenomena is reached.

[TinTin]

quite enjoyed that. thanks for posting.

[DerekS]

Lol, good stuff!!

[Scotty001]

Ha.. (Annoyingus hypocrita)

Probably described a large portion of us in Washington State aka tree huggers..

Yep, Good Fun Stuff.. Thanks for sharing...

[CR-Z Canadian]

Yep, good list.
We're infested with a sub-species of Domestic Douche here in my part of the sticks. "Pickupus Redneckus". New or old, rustbucket or optioned up to the 9's, typically 4-wheel drive, and adorned only by ram's heads, bowties, blue ovals, or a "GMC" on their grilles, they attempt to mate with smaller vehicles - courtship behaviour appears to involve filling the rear window with their massive grilles, while revving their 8+ cylinders loudly and whooping noises eminating from their cabs. Unfortunately, this can only be witnessed for a brief period, before they have to retreat to a watering hole (for humans or their vehicles). This is where they are most likely to be found in large groups. They defer to a leader which has evolved to sport dual rear wheels, and a diesel engine. When not aggressively purusuing smaller vehicles or refueling, they are often seen exhibiting their manhoods by towing large trailers for little obvious reason, or pulling out stumps. They can often be seen with large, noisy contraptions in their beds or on their trailers (snowmobiles, dirt bikes, ATV's, or personal watercraft), and when not towing, the observer can often see large testes dangling from the trailer hitch. Apparently, their radios are only capable of playing country music or "hick hop". Despite the size of their rides, Pickupus Redneckus are usually quite friendly, polite, and willing to help in a crisis. Don't ask them to service your CR-Z, however, and in conversation, avoid subjects that involve maths, sciences, or multi-sylabic words!

[Stealth]

Originally Posted by CR-Z Canadian

Yep, good list.
We're infested with a sub-species of Domestic Douche here in my part of the sticks. "Pickupus Redneckus". New or old, rustbucket or optioned up to the 9's, typically 4-wheel drive, and adorned only by ram's heads, bowties, blue ovals, or a "GMC" on their grilles, they attempt to mate with smaller vehicles - courtship behaviour appears to involve filling the rear window with their massive grilles, while revving their 8+ cylinders loudly and whooping noises eminating from their cabs. Unfortunately, this can only be witnessed for a brief period, before they have to retreat to a watering hole (for humans or their vehicles). This is where they are most likely to be found in large groups. They defer to a leader which has evolved to sport dual rear wheels, and a diesel engine. When not aggressively purusuing smaller vehicles or refueling, they are often seen exhibiting their manhoods by towing large trailers for little obvious reason, or pulling out stumps. They can often be seen with large, noisy contraptions in their beds or on their trailers (snowmobiles, dirt bikes, ATV's, or personal watercraft), and when not towing, the observer can often see large testes dangling from the trailer hitch. Apparently, their radios are only capable of playing country music or "hick hop". Despite the size of their rides, Pickupus Redneckus are usually quite friendly, polite, and willing to help in a crisis. Don't ask them to service your CR-Z, however, and in conversation, avoid subjects that involve maths, sciences, or multi-sylabic words!

Nice...I know you guys have more, feel free to add

[CR-Z Canadian]

Originally Posted by Stealth

Nice...I know you guys have more, feel free to add

Douche-o-thologists' tip: Pickupus Redneckus was once found exclusively in sparsely populated rural areas, but have spread to highway, suburban, and even urban environments. Most recent mass sightings have been in Wal-Mart parking lots. They can be recognized by the presence of oversized off-road tires, brush guards, and "Truckers Girl" mud flaps.

[chaos]

The I'm Old, I'm Entitled Douche

This could be a male or female, over the age of 70, with large wraparound sunglasses. They will be in a 2004 Ford Focus or a 1986 Cutless Cierra. Known to pull out in front of you and go 10 mph under the speed limit (why seat belts are now required, to avoid putting yourself through windshield). YOU are always in THEIR way. Turn signals are used often, 3/4 to 1/2 mile before actual turn, or used for miles at a time-it's a game, called "Will I or Won't I Turn". Mostly seen on the first or third of the month, original destination being the local bank, then McDonald's for senior coffee. Every day is Sunday to them, there's never any hurry.




(yeah, I was irritated this morning)

[Jakecrxsi]

This is too funny, keep posting.

[VTEC Mini]

I about peed myself! Good stuff!